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June 30th, 2009 - Nick's Valve [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Nick Verne

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June 30th, 2009

(no subject) [Jun. 30th, 2009|09:26 pm]
Nick Verne
I'm still here more than two weeks later. I disappeared from livejournal for too long, feeling guilty each time I came back to browse your blogs, contributing nothing - not even a comment. I'm getting too withdrawn right now. Lots of things are on my mind:

Mum is not in the best shape. Her two decades on medication for hyperthyroidism have bloated her face, bugged her eyes, destroyed her patience and clouded her judgment. She's not the mother I remember living with at home, but that's not to be expected. I've been out of her day to day life for eighteen years and while I'm much closer now in distance, our relationship is an adult one now and worlds away from closeness we had before I left home. In fact, the closeness was evaporating before I reached puberty. Coming out to her was a very scary process in the age of AIDS and the new homophobia. Now she's so visibly changed. I don't know how much longer we'll have her in our lives and I'm fretting about that.

I'm getting older. It's obvious at Google that I'm in the old farts brigade. The clock won't be turned back and I don't want it to, but sometimes I long for a peer group. There are in fact a group of engineers there who are in my age group, but I wish they were gay too. That's not the most common trait shared by men in my field.

What is it? What do I want? I have a great husband, a life in Sydney that I pictured for years with great anticipation, a career at a great company (bad press aside), a group of loving friends.

I want the feeling of endless possiblity that I had as a university student. I know the clock won't turn back. I know just about everybody feels like this at my age. We all get over it and get on with the process of living.

The possiblities aren't endless. They never were. The potential for happiness is whatever I can make of it. The life to live is still in front of me. I won't shut the world out.
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